As I looked through the pictures from that time a flood of different thoughts and feelings come over me. I start to remember how desperately I felt when trying to get pregnant after feeling impressed to start having a family and soon finding that it's not as easy as you think to just get pregnant. I also remembered how devastated I was when I found out I was miscarrying our first pregnancy, and the joys and fears that accompanied a crazy roller coaster of emotions when we got pregnant again with Sawyer. Now here I am pregnant with my second, a girl which I have always dreamed of having and having a whole new experience with this pregnancy. It's a constant battle of wishing I wasn't pregnant, hoping my body doesn't change too much, thrilled to have cute baby girl to dress up, scared my body is going to look worse after this pregnancy, excited for the attention you get when you have a newborn baby and the list goes on and on.
Since starting my little family I have been humbled a lot. First, I was humbled to learn that getting pregnant and pregnancy are not easy things. When you look at the statistics there is only a tiny window of opportunity for a woman to get pregnant each month (if she has a normal cycle) and the chances are not that high, yet we do, so it makes it amazing that women can even get pregnant (human life truly is a miracle). However, then after your pregnant the fears of many things constantly rush through you afraid of miscarriage, still birth, unhealthy baby, labor, delivery and everything in between. Then you have that little bundle of joy and there is so much happiness and so much love that you didn't even know was possible to have for someone and fears will be washed away momentarily by all the hope in the world just looking at that fresh from heaven new face. Sadly, if you're as "lucky" as me it doesn't last too long and new fears and insecurities creep in with postpartum depression. Now don't get me wrong I was happy as could be to have such a wonderful child in my life, but things got hard when feelings of inadequacy found its way into me about motherhood and being good enough on many different levels.
With feelings of inadequacy, I don't just mean the everyday question's of mothers like "am I doing this right?" or "How do I know what he/she wants?" Though it does cause troubling feelings inside I'm talking about other things like "How come I don't look like 'her' after having my baby" and "How do they afford all those cute/cool baby things?" and also "How does she have time to put makeup on, I barely have time to take a shower?" Yes, I am talking about the awful thing that can happen when you come into this world of motherhood, COMPARISON. It quite honestly is hard not to do it when once we get pregnant and become mothers we seem to see people in the same exact stage as us EVERYWHERE!
This was something that was quite hard for me, it seemed like I could always see someone somewhere doing it better than me. I came into this rut where it was like once I get to this certain point in motherhood where I lost all the weight I gained, look good in a bikini, had time to make myself look glamorous, could cook a full course meal and afford all the best clothes and gadgets for my baby I would be happy. The sad thing was that was never going to happen. Nine months later I would find out I was pregnant with our second (oops!) and the weight wasn't going to be coming off any time soon being pregnant. Stretch marks were never going to go away especially after getting pregnant so soon so having the goal to look good in a bikini was unrealistic, plus the mommy tummy that happens after having a baby (yikes!). Having a busy one year old and the energy of a pregnant women well there goes having time to make myself look glamorous and cooking a full course meal. Now, my husband did get a better job but now we have so much more bills to pay for a bigger place, all the insurance and other responsibilities that come with growing up there goes the last thing of ever getting the "best".
Today, it is so easy to get wrapped up in what everyone else has and needing to be this "perfect" mother. I can't tell you how much I have struggled with this unrealistic "perfect" I have chased after, and with constantly trying to chase it, it was hard to find my self worth. I thought it would be easy to be happy being pregnant with a girl, something I had always wanted, but it wasn't because I had been so wrapped up in wanting to be this beautiful pregnant women with everything perfect, not gaining any weight, looking good in a bikini, glamorously made up, cooking perfect meals and afford all the best for my baby girl. However, I am not. It's as simple as that and that is ok because who I am is good enough. I am tired of being so wrapped up in how things need to look from the outside that I forgot about the most important part of having children and being a mother is... being a mother. I know that sounds funny, but think about it we need to forget a little more about all those temporal things that don't mean much in the long run and spend time being the best mom for our kids. Our kids aren't going to care if we aren't the skinniest woman on the block, have perfect skin, wear make up, cook a full course meal or have have the best clothes and toys (sorry I'm listing so much). Believe it or not kids are going to love you for just being their parent. I never look back at my life and wish that I had better clothes in my childhood, or ate better meals I was just happy to have what I needed and tried to enjoy life. If I felt that way and never saw any of those things important as a child then why am I worrying about it so much now?
I love that quote given in general conference sometime ago saying
"Motherhood Is Not A Hobby, It Is A Calling. You Do Not Collect Children Because You Find Them Cuter Than Stamps. It Is Not Something You Do If You Can Squeeze The Time In. It Is What God Gave You Time For." ~ Elder Neal Anderson
This bring so much perspective to me of what motherhood really is. We don't become mothers because we just have to have that cute little baby, not because of the motherhood status or because "everyone else" is doing it and we need to too. We are mothers because as a women we have been called to do it. I know that when starting a family I have fallen trap to thinking that being a mother was all about having the cutest baby/child, being the most beautiful mom, having the best stuff and pretty much being the best at everything. I now realize what motherhood really is all about. I bear the marks of having a child that I used to look at in shame, though no one else was going to see them I wished they were never there. Now I look at them and remember the sacrifice that was made to have my little Sawyer, and the sacrifice that is motherhood. Take in those moments, women, enjoy motherhood and take the time to realize the sacrifice you are making to bring that child of God into this world and the stewardship you have been given over that life, because they don't stay babies for long.
No comments:
Post a Comment