Lets face it, motherhood has so many joys and fun moments, but it also has the utmost worst moments of our lives as well. I have made a lot of mistakes in my life and I have had my share of trials, but sometimes I have to say some of the moments I have had with my child has brought me to my knees, or more like fetal position on the ground. If you say you don't have this problem in life then I am going to say one of three things to you. One, you are lying. Two, your child isn't real, its a doll, you should probably go get that checked (that or you don't have kids). Three, you must have it made in heaven, what are you doing because I want to go too?!
The last week or so has been a tough one for our family. Paul had to pull a lot of late nights because of a new product launch at work that they weren't quite prepared for, which has meant that I get to stay home alone, all day long, with Sawyer. Things were going pretty good, I was getting things done, I was cooking dinner and bringing it to Paul, I was keeping the house clean and Sawyer and I even had a little time to go to the pool. Then the dreaded downfall. It seems like when you are already having a hard enough time, things get harder. Its not like it wasn't already tough enough not having Paul around to help me with things but trying to do anything with Sawyer just seemed like an impossible task that day. Nothing was going right. Sawyer can sometimes be a stubborn and determined boy and if his little body can't do exactly what he wants it to do he gets frustrated and throws a fit. I try to work through it, I try to calm him while trying to do what seems to be a billion other things at once. I'm on mommy-overload and my patients has run dry. It takes everything in me to not take my anger out and yell on the top of my lungs for him to stop it. I whisk him upstairs put him in the crib and shut the door. I feel like such a bad mom, I feel overwhelmed with everything that needs to get done and the fact that my child has almost broke me down to the mother I don't want to be.
I had to call Paul. He came home even though he had more to do at work and it was going to be a late night and he helped me. He got things together, cleaned up for me and took care of Sawyer all while I cried. I am so grateful for that man. I felt like I didn't have control of myself, I wanted to be a monster, and the feeling was so overwhelming I couldn't do anything else but sit and cry. My husband tells me all the time that I am too hard on myself, but it's so hard to feel fine with yourself when you give into anger or your impatience with life.
I don't want to be that person, but sometimes I am. I am human, so, so human. I can't do anything about it, and thats why motherhood is so humbling. You cannot control the child you have, you cannot pick who they will be or what they will do and at the same time you barely have a grip on what you can control about yourself. Thats why I am so grateful that there is the Savior, Jesus Christ. These are the moments where I have to stop and say "I have honestly done all I can, Please help me! Help me do what is right and calm my troubled soul!" There are a lot of things that we need as mothers to make our job bearable and easier, but there is nothing more in our lives that could help us with our job than the Savior. Though, I have to say I was not as good as I should have been in this situation with going to the Lord for help, I know He is helping me and wants to help me with my burdens. Life is hard, but through the Savior I can have my burden made lighter and find peace in His gospel. Remember he is there for you, me, sinner, saint, child, adult, rich or poor he is there for us all.
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