Flowers Always Make a Bad Day Better!

I never really intended this blog to be one where I vented on my life but I guess that is what some use it for so I don't feel ashamed for writing again on how things are going.

First off I finally miscarried and it was probably the hardest thing I have ever been through. Some experiences in life, though very hard to go through, are definitely worth it like school and finals. They seem so hard and challenging at first yet you know it is so worth it the whole time you are going through it. This was not the case. Not only was this experience very painful and draining but it hurt so much emotionally. It just had to happen in the middle of finals week when I needed to be focused and on my game the most during the whole semester. One day I could barely get up out of bed the whole day, I had to miss some of my last classes of the semester. It was so hard to focus trying to get through that last week, everything was due and all I wanted to do was cry because of the pain I was feeling.

I would have been almost 3 months along when it happened. It was so hard to think that if it was a normal pregnancy how close I would have been to finding out what I was having and feeling the baby move inside of me! OH how I was looking forward to that day! People were telling me how I started to look like I was showing and asking my how my pregnancy was going. I wanted to cry knowing I was going to miscarry. Now that it's over I hope the road ahead will be a lot easier in finding hope in starting over in trying to start a family. I still feel a lot of pain and though I wish it wasn't so and maybe I am just taking my blighted ovum miscarriage too hard, but its so hard to see baby things, expecting women and babies themselves. I just can't help and feel that I lost a baby and though there never was one there for some reason it feels just as hard. It has actually become really hard living here in Rexburg not being able to get my mind off things as well as I wanted to be able to and living in this little studio apartment, I just need more room so I don't feel so trapped. I just feel like everywhere I go there are young women my age with a family or expecting and it breaks my heart.

It's not easy to wake up everyday with a bright smiling face with everything that has happened but I feel hope for my future. I don't think many people realized the strong desire I had to be a mother, it was something that was very important to me and now that my chance at becoming one has been taken away this time I hope soon I will get that chance again and for now I will prepare myself for what I need to be to bring that child into this world.

Now despite all that negative stuff I feel like I have been blessed. First, to have had my mother come visit me and so many people reaching out to me after I posted my last blog, and second to have some how miraculously passed all my classes with grades far above what I expected! I seriously do not know how I passed that off with the way I was feeling not even putting in a good effort to get good grades on my finals.


Now that school has passed and so has the miscarriage I probably have been driving Paul crazy with my crying, rants on how things are just too hard and irritations for little things in our life he still amazes me with how much he loves me! After leaving for almost the whole day for a fishing trip he came home and surprised me with a beautiful bouquet!

Sorry, the picture isn't the best I took it with my phone, but this seriously made my day! It's hard some days to look for the good but there is always something beautiful in everyday whether it be some flowers your husband got you or the fact that you are simply breathing it is all beautiful. I am such a hypocrite at this, but after reading all the stories of the tragic movie theater shooting in Colorado and seeing how some of the men there died protected their loved ones we really need to not take for granted the beauty and blessings we have everyday. I feel so blessed to have a loving husband, alive and here with me today, who I get to sleep next to and wake up next to everyday. Because I have that life is good enough for me.

In about a week and a half Paul and I are leaving to go to Hawaii with my parents are we are so excited for our first vacation together away from Idaho! :)
After, we have Paul's family reunion with all the siblings, hopefully we will be able to catch all of them before they leave, in Island Park. Then it will be back to the normal grind of working and taking care of household needs. So you can look forward to the next blog being about our fabulous vacation and then after that I hope to find some time to craft, I miss being crafty. Anyways life will get better and hope all of you feel that you are loved because you are by me!!!!