Flowers Always Make a Bad Day Better!

I never really intended this blog to be one where I vented on my life but I guess that is what some use it for so I don't feel ashamed for writing again on how things are going.

First off I finally miscarried and it was probably the hardest thing I have ever been through. Some experiences in life, though very hard to go through, are definitely worth it like school and finals. They seem so hard and challenging at first yet you know it is so worth it the whole time you are going through it. This was not the case. Not only was this experience very painful and draining but it hurt so much emotionally. It just had to happen in the middle of finals week when I needed to be focused and on my game the most during the whole semester. One day I could barely get up out of bed the whole day, I had to miss some of my last classes of the semester. It was so hard to focus trying to get through that last week, everything was due and all I wanted to do was cry because of the pain I was feeling.

I would have been almost 3 months along when it happened. It was so hard to think that if it was a normal pregnancy how close I would have been to finding out what I was having and feeling the baby move inside of me! OH how I was looking forward to that day! People were telling me how I started to look like I was showing and asking my how my pregnancy was going. I wanted to cry knowing I was going to miscarry. Now that it's over I hope the road ahead will be a lot easier in finding hope in starting over in trying to start a family. I still feel a lot of pain and though I wish it wasn't so and maybe I am just taking my blighted ovum miscarriage too hard, but its so hard to see baby things, expecting women and babies themselves. I just can't help and feel that I lost a baby and though there never was one there for some reason it feels just as hard. It has actually become really hard living here in Rexburg not being able to get my mind off things as well as I wanted to be able to and living in this little studio apartment, I just need more room so I don't feel so trapped. I just feel like everywhere I go there are young women my age with a family or expecting and it breaks my heart.

It's not easy to wake up everyday with a bright smiling face with everything that has happened but I feel hope for my future. I don't think many people realized the strong desire I had to be a mother, it was something that was very important to me and now that my chance at becoming one has been taken away this time I hope soon I will get that chance again and for now I will prepare myself for what I need to be to bring that child into this world.

Now despite all that negative stuff I feel like I have been blessed. First, to have had my mother come visit me and so many people reaching out to me after I posted my last blog, and second to have some how miraculously passed all my classes with grades far above what I expected! I seriously do not know how I passed that off with the way I was feeling not even putting in a good effort to get good grades on my finals.


Now that school has passed and so has the miscarriage I probably have been driving Paul crazy with my crying, rants on how things are just too hard and irritations for little things in our life he still amazes me with how much he loves me! After leaving for almost the whole day for a fishing trip he came home and surprised me with a beautiful bouquet!

Sorry, the picture isn't the best I took it with my phone, but this seriously made my day! It's hard some days to look for the good but there is always something beautiful in everyday whether it be some flowers your husband got you or the fact that you are simply breathing it is all beautiful. I am such a hypocrite at this, but after reading all the stories of the tragic movie theater shooting in Colorado and seeing how some of the men there died protected their loved ones we really need to not take for granted the beauty and blessings we have everyday. I feel so blessed to have a loving husband, alive and here with me today, who I get to sleep next to and wake up next to everyday. Because I have that life is good enough for me.

In about a week and a half Paul and I are leaving to go to Hawaii with my parents are we are so excited for our first vacation together away from Idaho! :)
After, we have Paul's family reunion with all the siblings, hopefully we will be able to catch all of them before they leave, in Island Park. Then it will be back to the normal grind of working and taking care of household needs. So you can look forward to the next blog being about our fabulous vacation and then after that I hope to find some time to craft, I miss being crafty. Anyways life will get better and hope all of you feel that you are loved because you are by me!!!!  

So this is really hard for me, but I feel like a little vent will help.
So if you get offended that I am posting something like this then it is not for you I just want to feel better and I want to let my family and close friends know what's happening because I know I haven't been myself lately.

About a month ago Paul and I found out we were expecting. We could hardly believe it! We were so excited to welcome a little one into our family. Time went by and I started to feel nauseous, tired and hungry all the time! I knew pregnancy was going to be hard but it felt so worth it and I was so happy to be a mom. We started to spread the news, telling friends and family, everyone seemed so excited.

Time went by and I still hadn't scheduled a first appointment yet but I wanted to wait to schedule until the first ultrasound which is usually 8-10 weeks where you can see the baby. Finally 8 weeks came and I scheduled my first appointment. I was so nervous because I don't really like going to the doctors but I was so excited to see the baby. Paul, the day I scheduled my appointment, came down with a fever and was really sick. It really worried me but it seemed like he would be okay as the fever was slowly going down by the end of the day. The next day I was so excited I could barely take going to my classes. Paul had class the time I scheduled the appointment and decided not to miss class this time but go the next, so I went alone.

I entered into the Woman's Health Clinic feeling nervous and excited. I filled out the paperwork and waited for what seemed like eternity and then I was finally called in by one of the nurses. I hadn't even had my first appointment yet so I thought they would do testing first like blood work and a urine test but I went strait from the weighing and blood pressure check to the ultrasound. The ultrasound tech came in and had me change to do a inner ultrasound. I really had no idea what to expect so I just went along with things. Well as soon as she started the ultrasound I kind of felt like something was wrong. At first she wasn't saying anything and wouldn't show me the screen. She kept on moving it around like she couldn't find anything and then said "okay I'm just going to check your ovaries and then we're done."

My heart started to pound. She told me she didn't see anything and that I would see the doctor right after to talk about things. I tried to get information out of her but as an ultrasound tech your not really supposed to say anything. Well I sat in the room waiting for what seemed like hours (I over exaggerated but that's because what it seemed like at the time) and the doctor finally came in. He said strait away it was a blighted ovum and that they were 85% sure of it. They said I had a couple of options either get a blood test to check the pregnancy hormone levels or come back in a week to see if anything changes with an ultrasound. I hate getting blood drawn so I decided to wait a week.

 I wanted to cry so bad in there but I fought back the tears until I made it to the car. I immediately called Paul and told him what was going on. I still couldn't cry I needed to be strong for him, for us. As soon as I got off the phone with him I called my mom, I couldn't be strong anymore I started to cry, my mom seemed hopeful that maybe it was a mistake but I felt no hope. I went on with the day and once I met up with Paul I just couldn't hold it in. Why was this happening to me? Didn't God understand how much I would have loved that baby? Didn't he know how badly I wanted the chance to be called mommy by one of his sweetest little angels? I was so upset. My dad called me later on after talking to my dad and I just couldn't handle the disappointment. More tears streamed down my face and more questioning crept into my mind. Why did I even tell people I was pregnant when all it did was end in disappointment? Why is this happening to me? Why am I the one to be told they aren't going to be a mother anymore? It was comforting to talk to my dad he always seems to make me feel better. Now I had to tell Paul's parents, what heartache, I didn't want to even go but when people are assuming that you going along with a healthy pregnancy and you all of a sudden are told you are going to miscarry you have to tell them, especially family. It was hard but I didn't want to cry, I just felt so vulnerable and I didn't want to be seen as a weak person.

Once I got home I tried finding all I could about it. There seemed to be a lot of stories about people who were misdiagnosed with blighted ovums and I felt a little hope that maybe what was diagnosed wasn't so. It was really comforting to know that my family was fasting and praying for me. I felt a lot of peace that things were going to be okay yet things were seeming pretty thin for a miracle however that is all  I could pray for day and night. It was hard to feel motivated to do homework all I wanted to do was dwell on my misfortune, but that's the wrong thing to do especially when you still have a sick husband, a job, and school responsibilities. I got through the week fine but it was hard to be around people, especially those expecting. It broke my heart to know that I probably wasn't going to have a baby the time I thought I was going to and that all I went through was for nothing.

The morning of my appointment finally came and I was not feeling well. I couldn't eat the day before I was so nervous about things and I could barely sleep, ( along with my husband who was not feeling very well). I couldn't eat anything that morning I felt like I was going to vomit and sure enough right before we were going to leave I threw up. I felt so gross but I hoped that all I was going through wasn't for nothing. We got there and it seemed like we were waiting for forever! We finally went in and I was so glad Paul was there on my side. This time I requested an abdominal ultrasound and I was able to see the ultrasound this time. Disappointment struck my heart. All I saw was an empty sac. There was no baby where there was supposed to be. We were ushered to a room to go see the doctor again to talk to us. I couldn't cry again, not because I didn't want to but for some reason I did not feel any tears coming, I was calm, I just needed to get through this. Paul was quiet sitting there and I hoped he was doing okay, I felt like I maybe shouldn't have taken him so it wouldn't have been so hard.

The doctor came in a told me it was a blighted ovum I told him I would naturally miscarry and he said he would prescribe me some pain medication in case the pain was too much and scheduled an appointment for 4 weeks in case the miscarriage didn't happen in that time I would have to get a D & C. I left that place feeling like I had a death sentence placed over me. In a way I was happy I was miscarrying a blighted ovum so I knew there was no baby and that my body had stopped a baby from being born unhealthy, and in another way I wished I had just randomly miscarried so I would have been sad, known something was wrong but moved on with my life.

We decided we were going to Utah that week for the fourth of July and spent it with my family. I told them the bad news before I got there and it made me feel a lot better about myself and helped get things off my mind being there they always seem to help me forget my troubles when I am with them. Paul seemed to get worse with a sore throat and swollen tonsil and I was worried about him. We left the day after the 4th of July and took my sister Regan with us to spend some time with her. Paul schedule an appointment when we got back and found out he had strep throat but thank goodness got it taken care of in time and felt better after a day. It was really fun having my sister there that week, it seriously helped keep my mind off of wondering when I was to miscarry.

It still was hard when she was here though and it seemed to get a little harder when she left. I find myself crying everyday over it. I feel so alone and sometimes I don't know what to do with my life. I try and find comfort in keeping busy and the hope I will have kids someday and I can get pregnant again, but I wanted that baby so badly. I feel it is hard to be happy everyday and I just want people around me to understand its not you who is making me feel this way it is the bad news. It seems so hard now and I hope things will get better when I actually miscarry but for now I just take my days one at a time.

Now for everyone who has just read this I want you to know some things. I am sad about things but talking really helps me, and I don't really feel good about myself when I know people know what is going on with my life but don't take the step to talk to me and ignore the fact that anything bad is happening. I don't want to hear the question "how are you?" or "how are you feeling?" because in all honesty I feel depressed but I don't want to to tell you that. While searching for online support groups I came across this article that someone wrote after she had miscarried about what she would like said and not said to her and I thought that if anyone felt like they wanted to talk to me or help but don't know what to say this is great advice I think everyone should read this because it would help anyone in your life experiencing a loss so here it is enjoy!

·�������� �Don't say Don't worry, you'll have children in the future.

·�������� �Don't say These things happen

·�������� �Don't say Time heals all wounds

·�������� �Don't say the baby's in heaven/baby's with God now

·�������� �Don't say It was a part of God's plan

·�������� Don't say It just wasn't meant to be

·�������� Don't say Everything happens for a reason

·�������� Don't tell X she's emotional because of her hormones

·�������� Don't say When God shuts one door he opens another

·�������� Don't say It wasn't his time yet

·�������� Don't say there was probably something wrong with the baby and God was protecting you and the baby

·�������� Don't say You did everything right and it's not your fault

·�������� Don't say the fact that we got the job is wonderful and that bad things lead to good things

·�������� Don't say At least it was very early

·�������� Don't call the baby it, call him "him"

·�������� Don't tell us about someone you know who had this happen to them- we know it has happened to everyone already. It may help you to know that it's common, but it isn't going to stop our pain

·�������� Don't try to stop us if we cry- just let us cry

o�� You don't have to say anything to try and make us stop/feel better

§� There is nothing you can say or do and that's okay

·�������� Don't say stuff like "well at least you aren't nauseas anymore" or something about how the symptoms of pregnancy are gone, or "now you can drink coffee/now you can get a drink", etc

·�������� Don't say "at least now you know you can get pregnant"

·�������� If we're talking about being pregnant and now not being pregnant, do not say "your body is returning to normal"

·�������� Don't try to "fix it" or feel that you should somehow be making things better for us- we are of course so very glad that you want to fix it and make it better, but at this point that is truly impossible.� Instead, tell us that you are having an urge to fix it but you understand that you can't but you want to be here for us.

·�������� If you see us laugh or smile about something, be glad that we are, but recognize that it is superficial and even as we smile we are dying inside

·�������� Don't say that as we look for a new apartment it'll be easier because we won't have to worry about the school systems

·�������� Don't say "you did everything right"

·�������� Don't say that it's common

·�������� Don't impose a timetable on us or have any expectations for when, how, or how soon we will heal.� Right now we truly feel that it will never, ever get better. Don't tell us that it will unless you've been through it.

·�������� When we sound happier or more upbeat, don't say "oh you sound great, I'm so glad".� The truth is that you learn how to produce tones of voice and body language that are in direct conflict of how you feel on the inside.

·�������� Don't worry if you hear us say some very upsetting things about how we feel.� Thoughts that normally would be a cause for concern if, for example, someone was in the midst of a severe depressive episode, are not a cause for concern during bereavement.�

·�������� Do not tell X that she's slurring her words or "seems out of it".� Do not ask her anything about her medication or her doctors.

·�������� Don't say anything to us about how we look (especially X)

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DO

·�������� Check in on us but don't expect that we can always talk, but even if we can't talk we appreciate hearing from you because we know you are supporting us and care about us

·�������� Tell us what we are feeling is normal only if it has happened to you

·�������� Ask about our baby- what he was like, what we knew about him, how he made us feel, how X felt having him inside of her, what he means to us, etc. Talk about what he meant to you and your hopes and dreams for him.� We know this can't be easy, but this is more important to us than you can imagine because it shows you recognize how much he meant to us and the depth and severity of our loss. (important note- this holds true only for X.� This will help X very much but it will make Y feel worse)

·�������� Say I don't know what you are feeling right now, but I want you to know I am here for you day and night and that I love and care about you very much.

·�������� Just the sight of a loved one may reduce us to tears.� When this happens we are so glad you are with us and we need you and want you there, it's just that seeing someone you love who had a connection to the baby is a very emotional experience.

·�������� Ask if there's anything you can do to help us- you may find that we would really benefit from you emptying the dishwasher because we are incapable of performing even the simplest of acts

·�������� Recognize that we are not in reality right now.� Nothing feels real to us and we don't know what's going on around us or what we are doing.� We may, for example, not remember where the bathroom is in a restaurant we go to frequently.� An example- yesterday X could not figure out how to work the paper towel dispenser in the movie theater and she finally just dried her hands on her pants.

·�������� Acknowledge the severity of Y's loss- it seems that a lot of the time people focus most of their attention on the mother.� This is ok and can make her feel supported, but too often what the dad is going through tends to be overlooked, both because the baby was not in his body and because men grieve differently and we have different expectations of how men "should" handle things

·�������� It's ok if you're unsure of what to say or at a loss for words.� If/when this happens to you, it really helps us if you just say "I am at a loss for words.� I don't know what to say to you and I don't know how to make this better.� But I love you and care about you so much and I am here for you."

·�������� Take your cues from us and follow our lead- if we bring it up it is because we want to talk about it with you

·�������� Realize that you don't have to talk a lot, especially when you're unsure of what to say.� We do need verbal support, but we also really need for you to just listen to us say what we need to say.� You may have an extensive conversation with us in which literally the only thing you do is nod, and that may help us a lot.

·�������� Understand that we are not functioning as we usually do and that sometimes we really can't function at all.

·�������� Ask us what we need instead of doing or saying what you think we need.

·�������� Realize that you are grieving too.� We are not the only ones who are experiencing loss- you lost your grandchild, your nephew, your great grandchild, your great nephew, your cousin.� It may help you to get some support during this time.� If you feel it might help, we suggest you join a support group online or in person specifically for this type of loss- going to your regular therapist will not help as much and may actually make things worse unless s/he specializes in this area.� You will find that the greatest comfort comes from talking with people who have actually gone through this.

·�������� Educate yourself.� Learn both about what X is going through physically and what we are going through emotionally.� The best, really the only, way to do this is to learn from other people who have been through this (this is where support groups can be very helpful).

·�������� Treat this as you would the death of any loved one- if you would send a card to someone whose most loved, cherished person is gone, it would mean just as much to us to get a card like that from you.� Do not worry that it will make us sadder or make us think about our baby- that's impossible.� We could not get any sadder than we already are and we think about our baby every moment of our lives.

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Thank you for taking the time to read. And sorry I just wanted to get some emotions out!