Motherhood is Never Going to be Perfect

This subject has been looming over me like a storm in my head ever since I made my last post on Facebook and I can't seem to shake it off. The other night I read an article from Salon.com linked here.

 I wasn't quite sure what I was about to read when I saw the title but I went ahead because it looked interesting. I was heartbroken as I continued to read these women's situations and couldn't believe that this was actually happening in reality.  I was moved and touched by the article and feeling quite inspired I decided to post it onto Facebook with a personal manifesto and confession of sorts. Well I have to say after I posted it I didn't quite get the reaction I had expect. I was a bit shocked and a little upset, was anyone even reading the article? It seemed like people were more concerned with what I had confessed to than what I was trying to say.

Now before I continue on with what I'm trying to say, if you aren't going to really read this blog through and be quick to judge what I'm about to say you better just stop now. I'm not going to waste my time trying to explain myself and the situations of what I did was not wrong.

The article I had posted was on women who had left their children in the car for 5 minutes to run a quick errand and ended up being arrested or criminally charged. As I read it I knew exactly how the women felt. Why should I wake my child or get them all out just to run in for a quick minute. I mean I had even done it myself,  even on a couple of occasions. The problem is that I feel with this situation when just saying I left them in the car people would just gasp and call me a bad mother. The thing is you don't even know the full situation. And I feel that is exactly what happened when I posted that on Facebook along with the article.

Though I know they meant well, after people reacted more to my post on what I had done than what the article was about or the message  I was trying to portray, I felt a deep and overwhelming sense that I was alone on my stance on this situation. I felt more than anything in that moment that I had done something deeply wrong, and that people would at any moment if I had left my kid in the car ready to scold me like a little school girl and call the cops! As I continued to process my thoughts I started to realize they didn't understand. This was not about me leaving my children in the car it's about taking the time to understand and help instead of thinking we need to jump to conclusions and teach someone a lesson by having them arrested.

I am not a bad mother, and I refuse to believe that I ever was just because I have made a decision in a moment that it would be better for my children and myself to leave them in a car while a run into a store to grab something quickly. Quite honestly there are so many things I do as a mother I'm afraid to let people know because I'm afraid they won't like it and judge me for it, and now worse after reading this article think I'm a bad mother and call the cops or child services. I was talking to my sister-in-law, after  making my post, about these issues in motherhood and how the world is getting so crazy and then she told me that's why she just keeps to herself. It struck me that we are all too afraid as mothers to live the way we do and let others into our lives and the things we do without feeling like we are doing something wrong.

Just thinking about all these things has struck some deep emotions in me all day long. This life is not meant to be perfect and the way we raise our children individually and from parent to parent is going to be different. With the situation of the mothers from the article and my own I have felt like our society is becoming more and more like the scribes and Pharisees of Jesus' time. We are getting so caught up in doing every little thing right and perfect we cannot accept or reach out to help those who do things differently or in our eyes have done something wrong. We need to have a more Christ like view on these type of situations like Jesus and the women taken from adultery. Jesus told the Pharisees that he who is without sin should cast the first stone.  Instead of having her stoned, or casting a stone at her being the only one without sin, he reached out his hand and told her to sin no more. Why can't we reach out our hand to the mothers of the world and try to find understanding and help correct mistakes and not jump to stone her like the pharisees or in our day's case, call the cops.

I have heard so many different types of ways we judge or try to tell mothers how they are to do things. Heck, I'm not even exempt from judging and wanting to tell mothers what to do but this day I am vowing to do something better with my life. Today I am dedicating myself to not only be a better mother but a better friend to mothers. I am challenging myself to reach out and help those mother's struggling with their toddlers instead of walking past and glad that wasn't me that day. I'm going to lift up and encourage those with children acting up instead of judging them and saying they must have done something to deserve that child. I'm going to cry and laugh with mothers through all the joys and pain that is motherhood. We all have 'dirty laundry", we all make mistakes, we all do things wrong from time to time so  if your reading this I challenge all of you to try this. Stop judging, stop deciding what you think is best for someone else and start reaching out to help.

Motherhood is the hardest job I've ever had, but its also the best job I've ever had. I love every bit of it, even the hard and the bad, and I'm tired of it being degraded to something that isn't worth your time. Motherhood is the most wonderful and important job in my life and it's everything to me. I don't ever want it taken away so that's why I'm going to work my hardest to ensure that the mothers I run into feel that way too. I know who I am and I don't need anyone else to tell me that I'm good mother and I'm doing the best I can.

Meeting You

I remember the day well.
It was a Friday. It started out cloudy and all my classes were cancel that day for some reason so I would take a nap on my couch to catch up on some sleep but I couldn't thinking of who you were and what this day was going to be like. A couple hours later I had to go to work. I was a tour guide for the school at the time and it was required that we look professional, so I got a dress on and started to get ready. The sun came out and it was quite hot. I was meeting the parents of a friend in the ward whose parents were in town and wanted  tour of the new byui-center. I was at ease the whole time. It was my job and I knew the whole ends and outs of every building on campus. However, when I was finished with the tour and time grew closer to meeting you I grew extremely anxious.

I didn't want to go on the date anymore. Blind dates were scary, it was my first one and I felt it would have just been better if I didn't agree to it at all. I started resisting the efforts of my roommates. I didn't want to get dressed, I was comfortable in my dress and it was hot! I didn't want to fix my curls that had started falling out from earlier that day and I especially just wanted to wash what little makeup I had on off. I gave in, changed my clothes to something more suitable for roller blading, that's what the activity was, and waited anxiously for you to come. I heard a knock at the door. I could feel my insides turning inside of me, who was this person I was about to meet for the first time and then go on a date with? Who does that anyways, just meets someone for the first time and then goes on a date with them not even knowing who they are or what they look like? Apparently me, I was the person who does that. I begged my roommates to get the door I didn't want to meet you that way. However, after they refused I knew I had to get the door. I hope you didn't feel like you were waiting too long because it seemed like time was moving so slow for me between the time you knocked and the time I actually opened the door. But time sped up as soon as  I did open the door. I can't lie you didn't stop my heart right then and there, and I wasn't too impressed by what you were wearing. But then again who would be... a blue stripe Hollister V-neck, baggy light wash colored jeans and sporty looking Nike's. Obviously this was something you weren't too excited on doing either. However you had such a handsome face so  I could look past the fashion faux pas. Anyways, the date went on and I had to open my mouth to talk.

We all decided to walk to the roller rink instead of driving, and it was nice. Talking to you felt so natural and I couldn't help but feel like we had been friends before. I never felt like I had a super easy time talking to guys before, especially strangers. However, you  never seemed to be a stranger to me. At the roller rink, how do I put this nicely... you stunk at roller blading, but it was okay because it gave us a chance to flirt and hold hands. The date wasn't done there. It was planned that to end the date we would watch a scary movie. So you and I volunteered to go find a movie to rent. We decided to walk to the movie rental store (which was a gas station a couple blocks away), and it gave us more of a chance to talk and get to know each other. We talked about country music, how I was a vegetarian, what our ethnicity was and where we grew up. You brought up a couple of times some previous dates you had been on and it had already made me feel a little jealous. Though I obviously wanted a guy with dating experience, I hoped that you weren't in love with someone else because I was feeling so good about you and me I knew I wanted to be yours.

When we got back to my place with the movie we chose, I immediately changed into my sweats and washed off my make up. I know you weren't too impressed with that but I was so comfortable with you I just didn't mind so much and who watches a movie at night without getting comfy? That's just something I can't do. By the middle of the movie you were tickling me and poking my side trying to scare me during the intense parts of the movie and it worked. It made me heart skip having you sitting so close. You ended up putting your arm around me and it felt so natural. The night ended so soon and it was time for you to go. You didn't ask for my number and my heart sunk. I was afraid you were going to be like every other guy buttering me up, acting like you wanted me, putting your arm around me to cuddle and then never talk to me again.  My roommates asked if I had known you before the date because we seemed so comfortable but I told them I didn't. It made me happy but at the same time sad because I was afraid I would never see you again. My roommate who set up the date asked me what I thought and how it went and I told her you didn't get my number. It must have bothered her too that you didn't because she texted you right away about it and gave you my number. You texted me that night about the date and then the next few days I hoped that there would come some kind of excuse to talk to you. You had no idea, and you still may have no idea how much I had fallen for you in such a short time. You were unlike anyone I had ever dated before and it was so refreshing and felt so right. I had fallen in love so fast without even knowing everything about it, and it was scary but it was okay because God was guiding me helping me along the way.

I'm so glad we met that day Paul, though things haven't always gone according to plan I know that us meeting and getting married was definitely something that was not only our plan but Gods plan as well as evident in our sealing to each other in the temple. I love you Paul! Always have, always will!

ADVENTURING!

Adventuring... that's the word I am going to use to describe my life right now. I've been keeping very busy thanks to many hobbies I have picked up. Though I've been going to bed late and tired most nights I have been enjoying everything I've been doing.

Here's how it all started:

Two weeks ago our family went to Idaho to go visit family, friends and for Paul to go fishing. While we were there we decided to pick some apples from the BYU-Idaho orchard so we could make apple sauce since we wouldn't be able to get any apples from Paul's parents this year. We had a pretty fun time picking and tasting a few apples. When our basket got full we went to go weigh it and pay for the apples, which was 50 cent a pound, and we were at 35 pounds! Holy cow that was a lot, but we looked up on google how many quarts that might make and it said roughly 12 so we decided to get 5 more pounds to make it an easy even 20 dollars to pay. The rest of the time we spent going to the city fair, visiting with family and friends. We had a wonderful time being back in Idaho. 

We got home pretty late on Sunday because we like to travel while Sawyer is asleep so the next day I was so tired I didn't really feel like getting started on the applesauce. Then on tuesday I started the craziness that is making and canning applesauce! The first time we did this we had a lot of help and I have to say that it is definitely not a one man job, you need a family of 9 kids to do this kind of work! Also, I need to say that I am so grateful that my in-laws were kind enough to let us borrow their Victorio Strainer! That machine seriously makes life easier, no need to peel and core apples it does that for you! Though it was very tedious work cutting all 40 pounds of apples into quarters, cooking them down in a pot with some water and then hand cranking them through that machine.

 As soon as I got started and got the first full bowl full with just one and a half batches of apples I had done I started to worry about how much it was going to make! After making all the applesauce and the bottling started we found that we had made 20 quarts of applesauce! Oh man, the internet failed us this time, 40 pounds was a little too much! However, its great food storage and we have a need for it with our babies so we aren't complaining! (Also hoping to do a future blog post on food storage so stay tuned!) That night we started the long task of sealing the cans. Sealing the cans wasn't that hard to do the directions I found on this site were very clear and easy to follow but how long it takes is what killed me. We started it way too late and had to stay up past 1 to make sure everything was done with the first batch. Thats also the other thing that makes it take so long is the fact that you can seal only 7 at a time in the water bath canner we were using.  

Well the next day I remembered I had a bag of plums I had gotten from my mom I decided to make some jam with it! Well talk about some more crazy adventuring in my life! I have never made jam in my life! So after cutting all the fruit it took quite a bit of researching to learn how to make some good low sugar jam made with clear jel. After a while I finally found a blog that gave some good information about how to use clear jel with making jams found here, which it took me quite a while to find this site let me tell you most people use pectin! After getting that all done I think finally on Thursday I had finished it all! That night I had said to Paul "I am so relieved that all that canning is finally done with!" and he looked at me kind of funny and asked me why. Well, though I loved doing it and it was great feeling getting so much done, I really wanted to get back to sewing! So if you haven't seen on Facebook or don't follow me on Instagram you probably haven't seen the little projects I've been doing for this little baby girl.  I seriously have started an obsession with sewing clothes for her, it has taken over my mind. Not only has it taken over my mind but also my dining room table! I don't know the last time it was clean but I guess I have kind of claimed it as my "work space". I'm not a professional by no means but I have been improving tremendously and the things I have made I think are pretty cute, even more cute than the things at stores because I would actually wear them!  I wish I was more professional with all these things though, so I could post DIY's and pattern's but sadly I am still just trying to figure things out for myself! Lastly I made  plum fruit leather, having another bag of plums from my mom, and man oh man it was good! Hopefully I can get a post for that recipe for you all soon! 

We Went on Vacation... What?

This little vacation of ours was definitely overdue but came at just the right time. Paul and I had been wanting to have a little getaway for a long time now but never seemed to have the money, babysitter available or time. So it was nice when we decided to hurry and jump on the opportunity to go and spend some one on one time together. Before we left, Paul was working pretty much all day long stressed about deadlines and getting things done. I, on the other hand, was stressed trying to keep up with our house, meals and Sawyer. We were having a pretty rough time trying not to get at each other and take out our stress on each other. We were pretty much having arguments and little fights (don't judge we are nowhere near perfect) almost everyday for a week before we left!

Well the morning we left, when my mom came and we got in the car to drive away all the tension started to go away between us. There really is something that makes relationships better about getting to spend that one on one time that just makes you remember again why you love your spouse and why you wanted to be with them in the first place. Paul and I since having Sawyer, and quite honestly since we first got married, weren't very good at keeping up regular dates. Though I don't want to blame it completely on this fact, I do feel that the lack of personal time together on dates and still trying to court each other has caused some tension in our marriage. It's so hard to think of dates, what to do and where to go especially after having a baby. I wished we had tried harder to have that habit before Sawyer came so that we would be more willing to do it when he was here but after he came dates honestly disappeared. I think we had gone on a total of 3 dates without Sawyer after he was born. Yea, not good. In all seriousness, when we had our getaway I felt like when we were first dating again, just it being only us doing things together. I wanted to hold hands, kiss more, show my affection and talk sweetly to him. I felt excited to be do something with him and more willing to have patience though things he does still might bug me. Personal time together in a marriage is a marriage saver, don't waste the time you have and don't make excuses, GO OUT WITH YOUR SPOUSE!

But, back to our vacation story. We left early friday morning before Sawyer woke up so he wouldn't be so upset to see us leave. We were going to Saint George, where it was going to be much much warmer than Springville, Utah. We got there around 11 or so and check in time wasn't until 2 so we decided to go shopping for a few groceries so we could have snacks and stuff for our picnic and hike the next day. We didn't end up eating lunch because it was so hot and just got some popsicles instead to eat. (yea, we are so healthy on this trip). We were exhausted from the night before, someone in our neighborhood was lighting off fireworks at midnight, and so when the hotel was ready we decided to take a nap. That night we had tickets to the Tuacahn Theater for the show The Little Mermaid. We had also gotten tickets to their all you can eat Luau buffet before the show. It was a pretty good meal but the show was amazing! We got some great seats too, pretty close to the stage, half price so we were having a blast being there! However, it was pretty hot our first day there so we were pretty uncomfortable from the heat sitting in our seats. The first part wasn't bad we had gotten a water bottle to keep us cool and that was enough because their was a breeze but by intermission the breeze was gone and it was HOT. We got a frozen lemonade to help but it didn't last long. Good thing the second part wasn't very long! If there is ever a next time, which I hope there is, we will definitely be bringing fans and seat cushions FYI.

We got back to the hotel pretty late that night, so we decided that we would try and wake up at 7:30 AM and hurry and get ready to be out at 8 AM to go hiking in Snow Canyon. Surprisingly we weren't that tired (must have been the nap the day before) and were able to get out and be at Snow Canyon ready to hike at around 8:30! We were so lucky that it was overcast that day and so it made hiking so much more tolerable. Even though it was still hot, around high 80's and mid 90's throughout the hike, the shade from the clouds made it easy to be active. We had picked the hike called three ponds or hidden ponds, thinking that it was one of the easier hikes (I was 26 weeks pregnant so we wanted to take it easy) and when I got started I was thinking "if this is an easy hike I'd hate to see moderate or expert!" well we only got about halfway through when we got to a part that would have been probably a mile in sand and I told Paul there was no way I could continue doing this hike in sand, so we hiked about a total of 4 miles there and back. Even though we didn't get to the end, the hike we did do was beautiful with all the red rocks and it was up and downhill so we had a lot of gorgeous views. When we got back to the car and had cell service we looked up the hike and found out we had misread the labels and we actually were hiking a moderate level hike! We laughed and were pretty happy with ourselves that we, especially me, had made it that far! We had a picnic at some shaded tables we found and then went back to get ready to go to the temple. It was really nice that we were able to go to the Saint George Temple together since we haven't been in a couple of months and also learn a bit of the history of the temple there as well. It was beautiful inside and we enjoyed feeling the spirit there. We then decided after the temple we wanted to get dinner and then go the the movies. The only movie that we really wanted to see that looked good was How to Train Your Dragon 2. Well we had an early dinner and then headed over to the theater to hang out and get our tickets early. We were there over an hour early for the 7:30 showing and it was sold out! We couldn't believe it we looked for any other places playing it that might be close and none in town, so we decided to drive all the way to Cedar City and see it playing at 9 their because we didn't have anything else planned for that day. We ended up being the only people there, which we thought was pretty funny because it was so popular in the city just 40 minutes away. The movie was great, better than we had hoped and glad we decided to make the trip instead of watching something we weren't interested in or trying to figure out what else we could do. 

The next day, our last full day, was sunday. We decided to go to the church across from the temple and after sacrament go to the visitors center to check things out. We talked to a sister missionary there for a while and found out that she speaks French and that they always try to have Sister missionary at the visitors center that speaks french or german because they have so many tour buses of people who speak that language come buy and want to see what the temple is all about. I thought that was pretty cool. After that we went to all of the church history sights that were around including the tabernacle, Brigham Young's Winter home, and Jacob Hamblin's home.  It was interesting to learn more about where the city got its name from and also a little bit of the history of the first settlers in the area. We then finished the night off at Texas Road House (the only place baby girl wanted to eat :P) and just relaxed at the pool and hotel room the rest of the night.

It was a very fun getaway, which we were so grateful to be able to go on! (Thanks family and especially mom for watching Sawyer even though you had back pain!) We loved every moment of it, but we did miss our little man and couldn't wait to see him again. Going on a vacation was seriously the best thing for us because we finally felt like going home and being a family again! 

There Are Ups... And There are Downs

It's that day. It's pretty much a living nightmare scratching, screaming, clawing, pinching, kicking, crying, hitting and wailing at you. So you put it in it's room, in the crib so it can't escape and shut the door. Then you find yourself in the closet, bathroom end of the hall or stairs crying. Crying hysterically because you don't know what to do and you have had it.

Lets face it, motherhood has so many joys and fun moments, but it also has the utmost worst moments of our lives as well. I have made a lot of mistakes in my life and I have had my share of trials, but sometimes I have to say some of the moments I have had with my child has brought me to my knees, or more like fetal position on the ground. If you say you don't have this problem in life then I am going to say one of three things to you. One, you are lying. Two, your child isn't real, its a doll, you should probably go get that checked (that or you don't have kids). Three, you must have it made in heaven, what are you doing because I want to go too?!

The last week or so has been a tough one for our family. Paul had to pull a lot of late nights because of a new product launch at work that they weren't quite prepared for, which has meant that I get to stay home alone, all day long, with Sawyer. Things were going pretty good, I was getting things done, I was cooking dinner and bringing it to Paul, I was keeping the house clean and Sawyer and I even had a little time to go to the pool. Then the dreaded downfall. It seems like when you are already having a hard enough time, things get harder. Its not like it wasn't already tough enough not having Paul around to help me with things but trying to do anything with Sawyer just seemed like an impossible task that day. Nothing was going right. Sawyer can sometimes be a stubborn and determined boy and if  his little body can't do exactly what he wants it to do he gets frustrated and throws a fit. I try to work through it, I try to calm him while trying to do what seems to be a billion other things at once. I'm on mommy-overload and my patients has run dry. It takes everything in me to not take my anger out and yell on the top of my lungs for him to stop it. I whisk him upstairs put him in the crib and shut the door. I feel like such a bad mom, I feel overwhelmed with everything that needs to get done and the fact that my child has almost broke me down to the mother I don't want to be.

I had to call Paul. He came home even though he had more to do at work and it was going to be a late night and he helped me. He got things together, cleaned up for me and took care of Sawyer all while I cried. I am so grateful for that man. I felt like I didn't have control of myself, I wanted to be a monster, and the feeling was so overwhelming I couldn't do anything else but sit and cry. My husband tells me all the time that I am too hard on myself, but it's so hard to feel fine with yourself when you give into anger or your impatience with life.

I don't want to be that person, but sometimes I am. I am human, so, so human. I can't do anything about it, and thats why motherhood is so humbling. You cannot control the child you have, you cannot pick who they will be or what they will do and at the same time you barely have a grip on what you can control about yourself. Thats why I am so grateful that there is the Savior, Jesus Christ. These are the moments where I have to stop and say "I have honestly done all I can, Please help me! Help me do what is right and calm my troubled soul!" There are a lot of things that we need as mothers to make our job bearable and easier, but there is nothing more in our lives that could help us with our job than the Savior. Though, I have to say  I was not as good as I should have been in this situation with going to the Lord for help, I know He is helping me and wants to help me with my burdens. Life is hard, but through the Savior I can have my burden made lighter and find peace in His gospel. Remember he is there for you, me, sinner, saint, child, adult, rich or poor he is there for us all.

Things are getting better. There ARE ups, and there ARE downs in life. And even though being a mom really has been one of the hardest things I've done, I would not trade it for the world. Motherhood is where I belong and I am willing to work hard and fight for it!

DIY Lace Trim

This little project is something I've been wanting to do for a while. I feel like every store I go to buy a dress the dress is never quite long enough, so I never end up buying dresses and I'm left with only maxi dresses and skirts to wear. Well the other day I found this cute blue dress at forever 21 and it wasn't quite long enough but I decided I could make it longer somehow and  bought it. Well here is the finished project!

What you will need for this project:

• Skater dress (or any dress of your choosing, skater looks nice with lace though)
• 1 1/2 - 2 inch lace trim
• thread that matches the dress and lace 
• needle 
• pins 

*I currently did not have a sewing machine when I did this but I am sure it would be easier if I did. However this project was very simple, didn't take a lot of time and still looked store bought! 

Step one: 

Measure out lace around the hem of the skirt, starting at one of the seams, and pinning it in place on the outside of the dress. Do this until you have gone all the way around and you have about an inch or two overlapping. 

Step two:

Thread needle with string that matches color of the dress and start sewing, with the dress inside out, along where the hem was made like so. If you are choosing to do this like I did without a sewing machine start out at one of the seams and make sure you tie it off when you start. Then just do a simple stitch a along the top of the lace where the hem is. This way you will not be able to see the stitch marks very noticeably on the other side. 

Step three:

Once you have made it all the way around and tied it off at the end now we need to sew the lace. Still having the dress inside out, bring the lace together so that if you lay the dress down flat the lace would be nicely folded, and not twisted, on top of each side. Like seen in the picture below. Sew along the lace and tie off on the top part wear the dress is. This can be a bit difficult as lace has holes in it if you don't have a sewing machine just try to sew along the spots that have bigger clothed areas. 

Step Four: 

Once you have sewn the lace, trim up any flyaway strings and trim the lace as close as you can to the line you just sewed in it. 

And thats all there is to it! such an easy simple DIY to make your dresses longer and cuter! 

*Style Tip. I will admit that I am a curvier girl, especially being pregnant, and so a lot of times when shopping at stores like Forever 21 (they can seriously have the best prices for a girl on a budget) I go to plus size when looking for a dress (JUST dresses). Not because I am totally huge and need bigger clothes but because a lot of times they are longer dresses and the dress just fits a little looser, which is how I like my dresses anyways, but it could easily be fixed if I wanted it a little smaller. I got this dress on sale for 11$ so it was a steal! 

*Shopping Tip. Don't buy your lace at the craft stores your the craft section. It honestly is overpriced and they usually aren't even that cute of a style lace. I bought mine on amazon for a previous project I a couple months ago and it has lasted me this long! Though I did look at a lot of other online fabric stores and they all had pretty good prices amazon just had the best for the style I was looking for, which was crocheted lace in cream. 

Clean Eating Brownies

If you're anything like me, then you love dessert. Its as plain and simple as that. You would probably rather spend most of your time in the kitchen cooking yummy desserts. However, if you're also like me, then you are also trying to eat healthier. Healthy eating equals feeling better in life generally and tempting desserts just put you in a slump. 

I feel like most of my Pinterest pins are in desserts section and just about all of them don't get made because they are way too unhealthy however they are so tempting. So, when I find a chocolate dessert recipe (I'm a chocolate lover) that is healthy I have to try it! I found this one on Pinterest called Clean Eating Freedom Brownies however when I looked at all the ingredients it called for 5 eggs! Well with my experience in cooking, which isn't a ton to call me a professional but I have a good amount to know that 5 eggs with the amount of all the other ingredients would turn out tasting super eggy. I don't know if any of you know that taste but I am not a fan of eggy tasting food that shouldn't taste like eggs. So I had to revise the recipe a little to my liking, so here it is enjoy! 

Clean Eating Brownies:

• 1/3 cup coconut flower
• 1/3 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
• 1/2 mashed avocado (optional)
• 1/3 cup coconut oil 
• 1/2 cup pure maple syrup 
• 2 eggs
• 1/4 cup plain greek yogurt (or regular)
• 2 TBS flax meal 
• 6 TBS water
• 2 tsp vanilla 

First start off by mixing the flax meal and water together in a cup and set aside to thicken.

Preheat oven to 350.  

Mix the flour and cocoa powder in a food processor or a blender. 

Then slowly add the wet ingredients one at a time starting with the avocado if you are choosing to add it and the flax meal mixture last to make sure it has thickened is the consistency of an egg. 

After all the ingredients are mixed grease a 8x8 for thicker brownies or a 7x11 for thinner and pour mixture in. 

Bake for 35 min. 

take out and make sure they cool or when cutting them they will fall apart. 

*tips:

• I used a food processor because if you have ever used coconut flour in absorbs moister differently than wheat flour and will clump quite quickly making it hard to mix with a whisk or spoon. However if you do not have a food processor or blender just now attempting with spoon or whisk might be a bit difficult to mix well. 
• adding the avocado makes the brownies more fudgey which I love but you are more of a fan of more cake-like brownies you shouldn't put it in. 
• I served these brownies with just a scoop of ice cream on the side and no one even knew they were healthy, just a suggestion.